Food for thought

This is a wrong topic for a guy like me to write on. I am not an epicurist, neither am I a cooking enthusiast. Far from it, I’m in fact quite happy to be on the receiving end to be honest. But while sincerely doing my job at that receiving end, I couldn’t help notice some patterns which I’d like to share. These are based purely on my personal experience, so may not be even true in general. Don’t be mad if you disagree, just laugh it away.

So here’s what I think of different cuisines, and also the culinary habits/preferences of different communities.

English: The eating habits of the English are not as legendary as their drinking habits. Not even close. On most evenings English lads hang out in pubs and drink till their organs start swimming in beer. On other occasions when sobriety is the order, they take great pleasure in having their traditional dishes such as roasts, pies, fish and chips etc. They also have a tremendous appetite for Italian pastas and Indian curries; some of which have been sufficiently anglicised (e.g. Beef Madras Curry). Another global food originally English is Sandwich, inadvertently invented by the Earl of Sandwich. In the modern age when being busy is universally fashionable, a quick sandwich may be England’s most important contribution to the world after the steam engine.

English food is simple in preparation but quite heavy on heart. Loved by all except the calorie conscious who’d probably faint seeing a plate of good ol’ fish and chips.

Chinese: Everybody goes there despite the open challenge of chopsticks. But those chopsticks may be the reason why the Chinese rarely have bellies (how much can you eat with those sticks?). Westerners love Chinese food. South Asians like me can’t recognise the meats in their dishes, but never mind, we have own brand of Chinese food which is very tasty and 100% recognisable. Our fake Chinese food industry also serves as an apt response to their fake goods industry of everything from condoms to Apple stores.

I must say that while many (except maybe Africans) go to Chinese restaurants; the Chinese (or Orients) can rarely be found in other places. They’d rather scrounge every street of the town to find that one take-away shop selling any form of noodle served with any type of meat.

Indian: So spicy even reading this might make you sweat. But surprisingly some westerners, especially the Brits, love it. They can curry anything edible. Funny enough they also name their curries as per the hotness factor, rising from Masala to Madras to ‘only for adventurers’ Vindaloo - all bland to most Indians.

Indian food served abroad is NOT a fair representation of the country’s variety. If you are dining in an Indian restaurant in the UK, there’s a 99% probability of your plate containing a Bangladeshi version of a North-Indian dish. And our North-Indian food is anyways highly influenced by the Arabic, Middle-eastern cuisine. The other types of Indian food (Konkani, Chettinad, Southern, Eastern, Western) is virtually unknown to the outside world.

Indian restaurants usually have all types of customers except, you guessed it, Orients.

By the way, to my British friends – BALTI in India means a bucket, usually found in a bathroom. Most Indians won’t even associate the word with food. So someone was too imaginative while naming the Indian dishes in the UK. Ask the Bangladeshis/Pakistanis.

Japanese: What’s common to Japanese horticulture and Japanese food? Simple – Bonsai. Tiny portions and exorbitant prices are the hallmarks of Japanese food. Adopting Japanese car maker Toyota’s lean principles, the country’s cooks seem to have eliminated some non-value add steps (cooking) from their production process. The results have been mixed so far.

Frequented by rich westerners, others usually window-taste. Of all the cuisines mentioned here Japanese is perhaps the only one which you’ll never find a takeaway shop for. Can’t afford to be that cheap, you see.

African: First, they haven’t commercialised their food as much as the other communities have; their cuisine is in serious need of some serious marketing. The few shops which have come up seem to have only African customers. Only the culinary explorers among the Westerners and South Asians give it a try. Chinese don’t walk on these streets. African takeaway shops in the UK are actually Caribbean I think (going by their radiant yellow boards and a menu containing Jerk Chicken with Ginger beer).

American: It’s difficult to define American food when Burgers are German and Pizzas are Italian. That’s doesn’t leave anything genuinely American, does it? But ignoring that technical detail, American food is consumed in obscene quantities all over the world, thanks to the McDonald’s and Pizza Huts at every corner. If you carefully look in your local map these heavyweight ambassadors of American cuisine may have outnumbered the bus stops. Heath does not seem to be American food’s biggest strength, but people don’t seem to mind. People in all countries, religions and disown their doctors for 20-30 mins to feast on those greasy burgers and pizzas. If nothing, this popularity makes American food the most racially agnostic food. Obama should be proud.

French: I cannot summarise French food as well as a Greek restauranter I was talking to a couple of years ago. He drew an interesting parallel between French food and an English football club (Arsenal, which had a French coach Wenger). He said French food is similar to Arsenal’s play – much style but little achievement. Just like Arsenal plays very well every time but rarely scores, French food is usually tasty with loads of stylish garnish, but never filling. Can’t disagree with him completely.

French cuisine is the Louis Vuitton of food industry. Priced and branded similarly; sought by similar clientele.

Italian: 50% of it Pizzas (which in olden times was the food of the poor, usually made of the leftovers). The other 50% is pasta in various shapes with tomato and cheese. Tomato may be the only representative of the vast vegetable world in Italian food. Extremely popular (remember Eat Pray Love?) with everybody.

Forgive my daftness, but I can’t seem to understand the frenzy for most things Italian – men, food, fashion, cars. I think the country’s best things (Architecture, History & Nutella) have got sidelined as a result.

Mediterranean, Middle-East, Egyptian: Forgive me for I’ll be disclosing a stupid unscientific logic I sometimes use to analyse these cuisines. It goes like this- India carries an image of a land of vegetarianism, while on the other extreme, the West on the other hand is almost carnivorous. I think Midde East, which is the geographic mid point, also happens to be the average of these two extreme cuisines. Middle Eastern food has roughly equal proportion of both vegetables and meat. It’s delicious, filling and quite healthy too. The trouble here is that too many countries (Greece, Lebanon, Turkey, Israel etc) claim the right for most items (Olives, Humus, Falafel etc) so you don’t know which one you are having.

These restaurants are liked by most, barring a few who may not like the ‘no-alchohol’ board found in most of these places.

That’s it guys. This session had turned quite long. I’m hungry now, time to grab a bite. Let me order something. Wait…….what the hell is that peculiar name!!


Take care and have fun.