I remember a time, not very long ago, when any enquiry of my age would make me initiate a series of mental calculations to get the right number. Now, I could tell you my age even while asleep.
I used to be carefree, now I aren't that anymore. A particular pursuit in the last few years has sunk into my consciousness certain truths I knew only on the surface. I realise how limited our time is, how insufficient it is and how ephemeral each moment is. Most happy moments are gone even before we have relished them completely. And it is impossible to relish anything completely when you feel it peeling away from you and fading into obscurity, never to return. I especially feel this when I am with my son. Everytime he does something cute (quite frequent) I have a big hearty laugh, but deep inside me a tiny part mourns the evaporating beautiful moment. This tiny part whispers to the rest of me telling I'm going to miss this moment dearly in just a few years when my son will become the a mature, civilized, rational adult! What a loss if you think in a way.
Sometimes, in an attempt to hold on to these precious moments I try to document them. I jot down my thoughts, keep an irregular diary, take videos etc. I know this is just collecting a few drops in a rain, but I think these drops will be the only material treasure I'll have when I quit the race.
Actually, it has always been raining. Long before I started collecting, even before when I realised it was raining. Sometimes I miss the drops which fell on me and ran down through my spirit before the earth consumed them. Everytime someone close in my family dies, especially the elders I have spent my childhood with, in addition to the human loss I mourn the mass burial of my favourite stories. I miss the comfort of the person's warmth as much as I miss the amazingness of the stories they embodied. The dawning of the person's sudden non-existence feels like a huge story-book turning shut, suffocating the words inside to their irrelevant deaths.
Coming back to the point - I envy the guys who start counting their fingers or go in a state of temporary freeze (doing mental arithmetic) when i ask them their age. They have a chance at complete happiness.
